By Miriam B. Medina
As a victim of Domestic Violence, I would like to share this article which I wrote, in the hopes that it may be of help to someone who has has already suffered or is going through a similar experience. It was FEAR that kept me in my marriage and FEAR FOR MY LIFE that got me out of it. In relation to the Title, the article is self-explanatory.
The Victims
Her powerful shriek, anguished cries and pleas for help fade to a bare whisper. She is the battered victim of domestic violence, rape, or cruel assault, desperately struggling against her attacker, clinging to her life. Horribly beaten with blood flowing from the gashes on her neck, face and head, in many cases more than once, she lies there, almost unconscious. Nearby doors and windows remain closed. Passersby don't want to interfere, and they scurry away in fear for their own lives.
For those that have the good fortune to survive, battered and bruised, emotionally scarred, they endure a shocking and disturbing future. Most victims are reluctant to speak out as they suffer their endless shame, feeling helplessness, humiliated and desperate, isolated in silence. They turn to alcohol, drugs or self-mutilation, they even contemplate suicide.
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What madness is this? Sustained violence escalating to epidemic proportions throughout the United States? Everyday local newspapers report headlines such as; "Shooting and Mass Murder on College Campus," "Husband Goes Berserk, Killing Wife and Their Three Children," "Woman Jogger Raped and Brutally Beaten In Central Park," "Mother, Driven by Post-Partum Depression Drowns Children," and so on and so forth. The newer tragic aspect of this is that these are no longer features of urban life, but headlines largely drawn from suburbia, as well. Statistics say that 85% of domestic violence victims are female. Acts of violence have also caused the death of around 4,000 women killed each year by a current or former spouse, spurned lover, or stalker.
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Let's not forget the innocent children who are also subjected to neglect, sexual, physical and emotional abuse as well. They are silent spectators to domestic violence, mentally scarred, being trained to become abusive themselves. Not only are children witnesses to domestic violence, but also are at high risk for suffering physical abuse by standing directly in the line of fire, when things get thrown, or weapons are used. Sometimes an older child will try to protect his or her mother, and the batterer will turn on them.
Traumatic experiences such as these, whether they be physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, particularly in the early stages of a person's development, can have a devastating and lasting impact on children. It affects their "ability to think, feel, trust and relate to others."
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One of the most popular and most overlooked forms of family violence in the United States is Sibling Abuse. Most of these violent acts consist of slaps, pushes, bites, kicks and punches, more extreme cases ending in death. Many young people are not only cruel toward their siblings; they also physically abuse their parents. Parents, who are the victims of a violent teenager often find themselves in a terrible dilemma. They love this child desperately, and would rather suffer silently in apprehension and shame than to report abuse to the proper authorities, for fear of having their child taken away from them. They can not understand this graphic expression of anger, so they soul search because they believe that they must have contributed in some way to this provocation. Although calling 911 can be the most difficult decision a parent can make, it is one of the most effective ways for that youth to take responsibility for his or her own actions, so that they learn that violence does not pay.
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Frail, debilitated older people may at times be incapable of helping themselves at all, and are also subjected to neglect, as well as physical and emotional abuse and financial exploitation. They are no exception in this world of filled with violence and abuse. Perpetrators of abuse directed toward the elderly may be family members, professional caregivers, and etc. These abuses are existent at home as well as in care facilities. Rough handling, use of physical restraints, harassment, cursing, insulting, inadequate provision of food or water, delay of medical care, inadequate help with hygiene or bathing, being kept in their own urine and feces in unchanged diapers, exposing them to perpetual infections.
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Because elderly people are sometimes unable to hear or see well or to be as commanding physically or verbally as they used to be, they are easy targets for exploitation by family members or their alleged care-givers. Through scamming, the elder person's bank account is depleted, life savings gone instantly, credit cards abused, Social Security and pension checks stolen, or they are forced into signing an agreement that would end up generating a financial commitment. They are also bamboozled into making a will which under normal conditions would not have been made, one that would favor the exploiter.
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Patterns Of Abuse And Violence
While abuse may take the form of physical violence, there is also damage on an emotional and verbal level. Although the abuser appears to be a powerful and intimidating creature, they lack self-esteem, and by constantly attacking the self-worth of the person or child, they maintain a sense of power and control. By the abuser belittling, shaming, ridiculing or verbally terrorizing the person or child with physical pain, death, or, the death of a loved one, they are "chipping away at the individual's feelings of self-worth and independence," until that person feels helpless and yields. Abusers enjoy scaring their victims into submission, by the use of threatening looks or gestures, throwing objects at the victim, smashing dishes, destroying property, or even showing a weapon to convey the message: "Do As I say or else!"
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The power of control is the driving force that motivates the abuser. The abuser always needs to be in charge of the relationship, making all decisions and expecting their partner to perform without complaint. The victim becomes that person's possession, to be done with as he or she sees fit. By making statements such as, "You are nothing without ME!" "You don't need anyone, but ME!" "You belong to ME!" the abuser is cutting the victim off from the outside world, making the victim more dependent on themselves. The victim is no longer allowed to visit family members and friends or allowed to go anywhere or see anyone without asking for permission. Eventually, through fear and manipulation, the victim becomes the prisoner of the abuser.
Abusive individuals often are of an impulsive nature, moving frequently, changing jobs, as well as being emotionally dependent on their spouse. They are also noted for being blame-shifters, never accepting responsibilities for their actions. It will always be someone else's fault. The abuser will accuse the partner of having an affair with an imaginary lover, dressing in a provocative way to attract other men, for example or of neglect, abusing the finances, the house was not clean, the laundry was not done, supper was not ready; whatever instability of reasoning that might appear to justify the abuse. The pattern of attack may begin with emotional and verbal abuse, but often escalates from pushing and shoving to an absolute powerful expression of physical strength, and woe to anyone who may want to interfere...
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When the abuser returns to reality, and views their masterpiece of savage art, guilt begins to take over. Abusers do not feel remorse or responsibility for what they have done, but for what is obvious for the world to see and the serious consequences that will result. In plain words, their concern is more about getting caught and punished without ever caring for their victim. Many abusive individuals at the time of the attack are under the influence of substance abuse and would attribute their acts of violence to that. The mere fact is that the abuser abuses his or her victims, because he or she chooses to abuse.
After the storm comes the calm. Many partners deceived by the sudden change in their abuser's behavior pattern accept the peace offerings as a display of that person's true love, and apparent, genuine apologies that this will never happen again, often ending with sex. Some call this the Honeymoon period. The victims begin to relax, convincing themselves with excuses: " He loves me"; "He says he is sorry"; "He says he needs me"; "He is not a bad person." Still in denial, they continue to make excuses: "He lost his job, and because he is under pressure he did what he did; "He's just had an unfortunate stroke of luck lately;" "It was my fault that he got so upset, "etc., etc. With this blinding attitude, they don't realize that they are placing themselves in a vulnerable state, balanced on a dangerous parapet of belief, trust, and risk, making it all the more difficult to leave the abuser.
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The victim, feeling relieved that all is well, goes cheerfully about his or her day, while the abuser is given time to rebuild their insanity, beginning to develop the next strategy of attack, planning situations where once again the cycle of violence will continue.
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No human being should ever have to go through such a horrible existence and unbelievable infliction of pain and suffering.
So Why Do Women In Particular Stay In Such Abusive Relationships?
For many reasons; they depend economically on these men; they are afraid that if they try to leave, they would put themselves and their children in greater physical danger. Some women lack job skills, and might not be able to find employment to support themselves; and there is fear of the unknown; not having a place to live; isolation from friends and family members, etc. And for those with careers, these abused women have considerable fear that the abuser would call where she works and create problems. She is also deathly afraid of losing custody of her children because of lies that the abuser might say about her, and so on and so forth.
Violence is non-discriminatory. It frequently happens within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, religions, gay/lesbian/transvestite relationships, with any type of sexual partners and at all economic levels. One will find that among the perpetrators of these acts of violence, there are intelligent and motivated individuals, college graduates, entrepreneurs, high-ranking officials as well as leading suburbanites.
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So What Is America Doing To Curb The Violence And Assist Those Who Are Victimized?
Federal, State and Local government programs have been addressing the issue of Domestic Violence for many years and have achieved success in keeping some families safe. Great efforts across America have had a significant impact in helping battered victims with medical and psychiatric care, providing protection, shelters and food, enacting laws recognizing crime victims' rights and much more.
Warm, Loving and Productive Families are the Backbone of This Nation
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Although we may decide that violence has become a way of life as well as a crisis in modern America, keep in mind that there exists warm and productive families that are the backbone of this nation, that make us the leading, most diverse and respected country that exists today. Positive families provide a safe, warm, loving and stable environment for their children. These men and women honor their roles seriously as parents and spouses. Tough love, mutual respect and understanding, are the basis of their homes.
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